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From Ruinedage
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Movie script (Version Alpha 1)
Detective (every scene he is in is filmed in black and white) he has a morbid fear of objects suddenly changing size (james)
Evil crime lord his voice is dubbed and he has a bionic arm has a personal psychic to stay 1 step ahead of the game. 2 sides of the crime boss. creating a robot army at the beginning there is a person that knows about the robot army. he gets murdered. the doods wife goes and finds the detective to help solve the murder. the psychic assistant to the crime boss. gtheres a plot againnst the crime boss. another group kidnaps the psychic and thats when the detective gets a break. similar to consulting the oracle. doesn't show on screen. an internal thing. (russ)
irish brothers goofy irish accent. have inside jokes, always drinking and drunk. they get in fights. they are connected to the crime lord. (kevin and john)
the doods wife (the dame)
what can i say, she's a dame
the ninja use 3 different body types throughout the flick "how are we gonna do it john?" "we might need a ninja"
the shopkeeper everytime someone wants to buy something he tells some random fucked up story reoccuring gag
tthe rival psychic
foreward
in a black century from the past, lived the assbrains. a peacful race, they sought only two things in life. to spread wisdom throughout the galaxy and the abolition of chairs and couches. flying from solar system to solarsystem in their hyperdraddle they went. oftentimes you would find yourself sitting in the company of an assbrain family, sipping noodles, and hear a thological discussion involving their skateboards. this was the preferred means of travel on the homeworld. "heaven knows no butter like a skateboard churned," they would often say as cleaning their glass bubbles. the bubble was asfixed over the assbrain to protect them from fire. it was necessary. otherwise they wouldn't have survived. many an assbrain was burned in the great bubble-testing fiasco of the 12th year. and in the 13th year the ewoks came bearing gifts for the assbrains. unfortunately for the assbrains, the ewoks "gifts" were undying hatred and superior weaponery which they furiously unleashed upon this peaceloving race. parachute upon parachute began to fill the sky and the thunder of war was heard throughout the cities of assbrainia. with chainsaws roaring, the ewoks toar through the assbrains carefully created bubbles. everytime an assbrain bubble was broken, an angel lost its wings. it was indeed a dreadful time. hack and slash dreams became reality as the assbrains were wiped out. it truely was a victorious moment for the ewoks. they had rid the galexy of the menacing assbrains. all but one........ his name was assbraim jekins.
chapter 1 - "assbrain jenkins"
into the sewars he crept, far from light and the terrible ewoks. for years he dwelled in their filth. slowly his assbrain dwindled to nothing for you see, the assbrains slowly consume their assbrains, and when that assbrain is gone they no longer survive. slowly they asphixiate on the stench of a one-brained body and slip into unconsciousness before their serene demise. it is fortunate that the assbrain burns slow. for many years the lone assbrain lived in solitude. dreary were the times, oh dreary. was it not for one fateful day he might have preemptively cracked his assbrain bubble. while he was trodding through the refuse, he found a pipeline he had never seen before. hurridly he dug with his skeletal hands. over the years they had become frail and the cracking of bone was prevelent but this mattered not. it was a new hope.
chapter 2 - "the pipeline"
long was the mighty pipeline. raw was the marrow, and it became tainted with the lust for freedom. sickly sweet, it was constantly within reach as he kept on. he progressed slowly but undaunted was his lust for a happier time
[plot to kidnap a gang of jocks]
van pulls up, skids to stop door opens: "DUDE!! FREE BEER!! LETS ROLL!!!" jocks get excited "YEAAAAAAAAH!" jocks pile in, van screeches away.
japanese baseball player. hits ball + runs around bases. gets to catcher who gets ball. jumps into the air + does a flying dropkick to the catcher's head w/ his war face + screaming like crazy. then proceeds to beat the shit out of the catcher, ignoring home plate. runs off, grabs bat, comes back + continues. some people run onto field to try + stop him. he brandishes bat at them w/ totally psycho face + they jump back. freeze on him w/ crazy fucked up look on his face, image shrinks to corner of screen + newscaster says he has been selected for new game show
someone has a dream sequence where they see armies of cabbage patch kids marching at them or taking over the world or something. later sees cabbage patch kid through doorway, goes huh?, door closes. (cabbage patch kids should be hairless +/or done up scary like)
frauunabob! tank dog Mr Ed gets rabies Guy At del taco writes "pigs" on walls in ketchup little kid playing grand inquistor w/ lobster & boiling water sensory deprivation appaatus narcoleptic concert pianist guy tuning guitar to opera singer
"hey gve me an E"
Man w/ wolf dog thatconstantly is fighting eating cheese w/spoon out of pizzabox
ck killer
japanoid hardcore band w/ kung fu guy
convenience store brawl climactic scene - one shot
glam rock scalping
glam kung fu arch enemy
wesley willis score
corporate whore coffee
suv desert killing
avant garde tagger
kung fu paramedics
"my gonads too huge, sir"
mr t cameo "frau unaboob"
trailers (mr. t in space)
dvd:
deleted scenes (all starring mr. t) commentary on everything everything is bullshit random people represent us
mexicans + homeless guy at interviews
holga farstaff zilla fing von tarkus tom jenkins archie (old jarky) smaaff
cabbage patch kids door closes w/ -- behind it bursts out of characters head - final shot
gas station hanging out w/ $1.00
monkey angry bar
bible 2 : jesus lives
jesus wears a ninja suit - preaches on a hill - attacked by ninjas - busts out His kungfu rides a ninja motorcycle + throws shuriken
ck killer is the antichrist (purple bodysuit + cape w/ big "A" on chest in "bible 2" comic)
jesus is a bionic ninja w/ laser cannon for arm in comic "for god so loved blah blah only begotten ROBOT NINJA, so that blah blah." (opening panel)
in comic - jesus + antichrist do final battle on asteroid
"i'm scottish dammit, make me some pancakes"
"i major in kickin' ass"
war monkeys, monkey with knives for hands and feets
sheep on trial shitting while being asked "how do you plea" (witchcraft trial)
CAMERAMAN! dressed as Zoro in mirror
A TRAIN FULL OF MIDGETS AND A TRAIN FULL OF CLOWNS CRASHING
john as satan with who needs pants shirt
mr t flying space fighter in trailer
going upstream on african river passing boat full of vatos, and boat full of clowns
boat full of clowns colides with freighter illegally smuggling midgets
jesus bar fight
cop chilling, talking to guy, twirling gun on finger, accidentally kills guy, goes oh shit, starts to run away, sticks gun in guy's hand, + takes off
"what do you do?" "i do mercury." guy smashes thermometer, cuts open vein w/ jagged glass, sticks thermometer in, mercury drains into vein (hardcore motherfucker guy)
hacker hero ends hack session with a solid smashing of the enter key.
somtimes i cry
then i realize its blood
i lick the puddle
that collects at my wounds
i revere the pain
i feed the pain
coddling my silence
only then i am free
bound by mortality
i gnaw thru the chains
i am free i am free
exsist in a world
understand this bliss
glimpse the beauty of decay
now taste sorrow
a rotted pond
descends into a gaping mouth
mama bird is helping the change
but where is the governer?
caress infinity rise to polaris sail the black nothing did you have to travel?
i am garbled behing the semaphore of the hallowed teddy bear swoon swoon cut slice chew spit wash smile
:)
allwork and no play makes jack a dull boy
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.......allwork and no play makes jack a dull boy <snap><snap>snap><bongos> cat moon sun
